www.businessinsider.com - 4 years ago

Hilarious 'Facts' About Google's Baddest Engineer, Jeff Dean

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Google

Jeff Dean is one of Google's most popular engineers, ever.

The software genius is widely credited by Googlers for the blazing speed of the company's famed search engine. 

Dean has been with Google since 1999 and his engineering prowess and popularity have inspired "Jeff Dean Facts".

You know those Chuck Norris jokes called "Chuck Norris Facts"? 

Like: "Chuck Norris doesn't wash dishes, they wet themselves out of fear" or "Chuck Norris is not allowed on commercial flights because his fists are considered deadly weapons"?

Well, Dean has his own version, compiled by Google's very own engineers who admire him. What started out as an April Fool's joke by engineer Kenton Varda has exploded into a cult classic.

They're pretty funny if you understand software engineers and their sense of humor.

Because we don't always understand the language, so we asked  CTO, Pax Dickinson, to help translate the jokes for the rest of us. 

Compilers don't warn Jeff Dean. Jeff Dean warns compilers.

Joke by: Christopher Lin

Pax: "Compilers warn you when your code is doing something that isn't an error but might not be correct. Jeff knows better than the compiler."

paxcompilerswarnyouwhenyourcodeisdoingsomethingthatisntanerrorbutmightnotbecorrectjeffknowsbetterthanthecompiler.jpg

Nicholas Carlson

Jeff Dean builds his code before committing it, but only to check for compiler and linker bugs.

Joke by: Christopher Lin

Pax: "Jeff's code can never be wrong, so he compiles it only to ensure that the compiler and linker are free from bugs."

paxjeffscodecanneverbewrongsohecompilesitonlytoensurethatthecompilerandlinkerarefreefrombugs.jpg

Nicholas Carlson

Jeff Dean puts his pants on one leg at a time, but if he had more legs, you would see that his approach is O(log n).

Joke by: Josh Wills

Pax: "Jeff's pants-wearing algorithm scales logarithmically rather than linearly, so he'd spend less time dressing per leg the more legs he had."

paxjeffspantswearingalgorithmscaleslogarithmicallyratherthanlinearlysohedspendlesstimedressingperlegthemorelegshehad.jpg

Nicholas Carlson

When he heard that Jeff Dean's autobiography would be exclusive to the platform, Richard Stallman bought a Kindle.

Pax: "Richard Stallman is famously rabidly against any non-free software, and would never ever purchase or use a Kindle. But Jeff Dean is so interesting, he'd violate all his principles [to read his autobiography]."

paxrichardstallmanisfamouslyrabidlyagainstanynonfreesoftwareandwouldnevereverpurchaseoruseakindlebutjeffdeanissointerestinghedviolateallhisprinciplestoreadhisautobiography.jpg

Nicholas Carlson

Jeff Dean writes directly in binary. He then writes the source code as a documentation for other developers.

Joke by: Kevin Goslar

Pax: "All code is [electronically] compiled into a binary representation before it's executed, and Jeff is so good he can code directly to that representation, and only writes source code so mere human programmers can understand how it works."

paxallcodeiselectronicallycompiledintoabinaryrepresentationbeforeitsexecutedandjeffissogoodhecancodedirectlytothatrepresentationandonlywritessourcecodesomerehumanprogrammerscanunderstandhowitworks.jpg

Nicholas Carlson

During his own Google interview, Jeff Dean was asked the implications if P=NP were true. He said, "P = 0 or N = 1." Then, before the interviewer had even finished laughing, Jeff examined Google's public certificate and wrote the private key on the whiteboard.

Joke by: Christopher Lin

Pax: "P vs. NP is the most famous unsolved problem in computer science, but Jeff treats it as a straight up algebra problem. Then he derives google's private key from their public certificate in his head, which is impossible even for a supercomputer."

paxpvsnpisthemostfamousunsolvedproblemincomputersciencebutjefftreatsitasastraightupalgebraproblemthenhederivesgooglesprivatekeyfromtheirpubliccertificateinhisheadwhichisimpossibleevenforasupercomputer.jpg

Nicholas Carlson

The x86-64 spec includes several undocumented instructions marked 'private use.' They are actually for Jeff Dean's use.

Pax: "Private undocumented CPU instructions aren't supposed to be used by anyone, but these rules don't apply to Jeff."

paxprivateundocumentedcpuinstructionsarentsupposedtobeusedbyanyonebuttheserulesdontapplytojeff.jpg

Nicholas Carlson

When Jeff Dean has an ergonomic evaluation, it is for the protection of his keyboard.

Joke by: Christopher Lin

Pax: "Usually ergonomic evaluation corrects your posture for your health, but Jeff's is for his keyboard's health because he's so badass."

paxusuallyergonomicevaluationcorrectsyourpostureforyourhealthbutjeffsisforhiskeyboardshealthbecausehessobadass.jpg

Nicholas Carlson

All pointers point to Jeff Dean.

Pax: "Pointers are C variables that point to a memory location, they're a core element of C coding. Jeff is the center of the programming universe."

paxpointersarecvariablesthatpointtoamemorylocationtheyreacoreelementofccodingjeffisthecenteroftheprogramminguniverse.jpg

Nicholas Carlson

The rate at which Jeff Dean produces code jumped by a factor of 40 in late 2000 when he upgraded his keyboard to USB 2.0

Joke by: Christopher Lin

Pax: Dean's coding was slowed down by the speed of the interface between his keyboard and his computer.

paxdeanscodingwassloweddownbythespeedoftheinterfacebetweenhiskeyboardandhiscomputer.jpg

Nicholas Carlson

Now make sure you check out how Larry Page built Google into what it is today...

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By Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

12 Quotes That Reveal How Larry Page Built Google Into The World's Most Important Internet Company >

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